EPISODE 38
TRANSCRIPT
0:00:11.0 S1: Welcome to drone writer were three writers who always deliver happily ever after is offer questionable advice for all of your relationship work and life problems in zeolites.
0:00:23.0 S2: And I'm a very... Flynn, I'm super excited because we're gonna have a great show through today in those small part, because we have the love gods with the Go audio narrators and podcasters extraordinary. Tim page and Liam Docomo, thank you so much for being here. Please tell us a little bit about yourself and the love God.
0:00:43.8 S1: Oh yeah, he's gonna just defer it to me, Hi, I'm 10 days.
0:00:48.1 S2: Every good partnership needs the extrovert in the introvert.
0:00:53.0 S1: We're both extroverts, We're both loud, obnoxious, ridiculous human beings, and it's just... It's a horrible combination for anybody that's around us, but... Yeah, so I'm an Audible narrator. I have almost 300 titles out now, which is fucking crazy. I haven't been doing it that long.
0:01:09.8 S2: I think I've listened to all 300 are all mine yearbook with its 10. Oh yeah.
0:01:20.0 S1: That's kind of how it is. It's just kind of like, Well, if I wanna listen to a book, oh God, I gotta deal with Tim again. But lemnos a show together called to love God's, where we answer listener submitted questions about love, sex and romance, and about 40% of them are like, What does it feel like when your penis is inside of a vagina, and then the rest of them are like deep relationship questions that people entrust to complete fucking idiots with their relationships, so...
0:01:48.7 S2: I now want to know what that feels like. Thank you, please answer. Can't just drop in a one
0:01:58.4 S1: Fleet feels like a waterfall falling off of a skyscraper into a cloud of pillows. Alright.
0:02:06.2 S2: Wow, that's a lot of words.
0:02:08.5 S1: He says vagina, but everybody was always wants to know What does Anne feel like, and I was like, they just assumed that Tim and I just fuck each other constantly, and that's why we would know because that's how we do these books, it's just... We act it out. In fairness, what does your family refer to me as... Okay, and this is no joke, they called him my other wife and they have... Well, before I was married, so Tim has been my other way for the better part of 20 years now, we're both allies, we've just happened to be straight and we love each other, so that's kind of where we're at.
0:02:40.0 S2: Now, I like the... What about you? Are you... Yeah, Liam, tell us about you.
0:02:43.3 S1: I'm obnoxious, so I'm leaves. I am also a romance audio book narrator, I have done some other titles as well, but let's call it what it is at this point, I'm a Roman steuart or I actually got into the business in 2020... Actually late 2019, Tim was like, Hey, you should do this, I'm doing it, and it's a lot of fun. And me being the little tag along that I am, I'm older than 10 by 40 plus years, so it's a... I got into audio books, started recording in March of 2020, so as of this month, I am two years in the cut, so... I absolutely love it. Unfortunately for me, I'm only a part-time narrator, I still have to hold down a full-time job, but as you could see by the extravagant booth that I recently acquired, my goal is by the end of the year to be a full-time audio big narrator, so those that are listening, if you'd like to send work my way, you can help facilitate this change, and you can do the Bolton of my melodious male male romance as typically, I don't get to use this voice because Tim is the low voice, I'm usually up here where I normally speak because let's be honest, I'm the carer of the two of us at Olin pretty of in this mode.
0:03:59.5 S1: No, he's definitely prettier. I told you guys have known each other for 20 years. Yeah, no kidding. At least, at least in another life like... What was that movie where it was multiple timelines and lives where they've known each other over and over resisting a iterate
0:04:22.5 S2: To meet that you just sort of fall in with... Immediately, the feline. So weird how that works at a eateries immediately, where you're like, Oh, fuck no. Right, Ellen? For good reason.
0:04:41.0 S1: Yeah, you've got people that kinda come and go in your life and you know, sometimes it's a blip on the radar, but for Tim has been that consummate thorn in my side for 20 years. So you Forman... No, I say he's my better half because he really is... He does bring out the best in me, and he's been there to keep me on track and focused, and he's been my shoulder to cry on and my punching bag when needed, I mean, usually he holds up the mine and I'll punch the midst, He's not... You don't have emotions. You're a steward. Are emotions. I'm a toner does not like emotions, I'm... I'm pond every sense of the word, like just the British uptight, emotionless golden robots and apply.
0:05:30.6 S2: There are so many places to go with that, but I'm gonna transition us into sort of how are we as been going? And I'm just gonna start us off with that. Okay, who else is walking around their house this week singing... I'm just thinking with my dick... Is it just me? Have you at a tattoo lately different than everyone else, so it is so in my edge that is... Yeah, explain. Okay, I'm unsaid this to you, so it is a soft guy who's probably my age, so we'll go with... He's in his late 40s, early 50s, and he said, Mary GRA, and he's watching the floats go by, and it's this wrap song, and the line is, she's super thick, and I'm just thinking with my dick and I pick is dumb. And he's like, Got the beat, he's mouse in the word, he's got the whole thing. There's this lady who looks slightly older in the background clapping along with, they're having a great fucking time, and that has been stuck in my head all week, so no, I'm going to be texting that to all of you to go...
0:06:50.8 S1: Does anybody else randomly turn songs into inappropriate ones, or is that just not like... No, no, all the time.
0:06:56.4 S2: Okay, and then also sing them to your animals to see... Will not do that. You
0:07:01.6 S1: OSINT my children. And so they're gonna be emotionally scarred for life, 'cause I ya'll be doing dishes and let's be fair, it doesn't happen often, but I'll do a dishes and I'll just be like up in your... And my kids repeat it because I'm a terrible father. Wow. No real teachers love you too, and his teacher is his mom because we homeschool right now, my son is... No, my son is seven, so this is year two of homeschool, so when he complains like my teacher is such a bitch and like, What's your mom... You can't really say that. So let's bring it in a little bit. Yeah, it makes for interesting times at home, I'll be really excited when he does go to public school and just... I get hold into the office constantly, so
0:07:52.1 S2: You learn... Where did he pass up? You know.
0:07:54.7 S1: As soon as I walk in, they're gonna be like, this asshole again. Yeah. Okay, we got it. They're gonna give you a bedroom, you're gonna have your own room there, just to make it easy, so you don't have to leave all the time, pretty much. I'll record from there. This booth is modular. It's far.
0:08:08.0 S2: Perfect. So how about you guys, what have you been up to this week... To a new Bergeron, I actually got to hang out, we can person the other day, I... It was very fun. We love to hear about it. We talk to you, I had food. Did you make food? You know, I actually didn't Katharine better. I know I went to go make Zeo cookies and found the shock of my life, I was out of... Sugar was a bigger... I'm mortified to say that I was just had zero sugar in the house, so I made nothing and we ordered food, and it was what you order order like a Middle Eastern, awful and chicken and a year... You're gonna be so proud of me. So incredibly proud of me. Okay, I made pineapple upside damage from scratch, no boxes, and it was gone in a day and a half, everybody was a hospitalizations and nobody joined, not myself. I put myself... I was not harmed in the making of the pineapple... Upside. Okay, very. I have a theory that made me he would be good at all upside down cooking because it's the opposite of regular cocaine, I think that might be true, but I did, I thought to myself as I was liking the stupid thing, God's gonna be super out of me.
0:09:41.8 S1: I recently did a book where the female protagonist is terrible at baking and constantly sets off the smoke alarm in her apartment that she shares with her firefighter love interest, that constantly gets called to the content, it's a book by Nicki Ash, it'll be out relatively soon, and I play both roles, I'm the male and the female for the book and I die in it 'cause
0:10:08.6 S2: That's really... That's what I I monetary, I'm gonna put that on my list.
0:10:13.4 S1: I can cook, but I cannot make, I fucked up. Like two step donut holes is a awful... It's awful, but any regular food, I'm good, but desserts, I will somehow I'm just the first, the word
0:10:30.7 S2: Taking and making legitimately are different, some people are good at one, some people will be other... Some both, but I don't think they're transferable. I think it's
0:10:38.6 S1: Understandable. It's a skill set that I severely lacks. Just go and buy donuts, I just go and buy them 'cause there's a donut shop in every corner and Fresno, and they're a good... Are all fucking good? To note, I'm gonna have a more moment, don't kiddos, we could ask them, will get some vodou, get some big beans, go pack my co habit Yad. It's wonderful.
0:11:06.0 S2: What was your wagon?
0:11:06.7 S1: A drop accents in the middle of a conversation, I'm just gonna go, Scotland. Yeah, let's go that we...
0:11:12.1 S2: Giantess went out.
0:11:14.1 S1: That would be one. He's gonna go, I can... Soone. Sonically, really good at it. Yeah, my limitations, although I got hold up to him and I did a live session on Facebook and somebody said that Tim's Irish accent was better than my... I was floored. I fucking Todd in sialkot
0:11:34.8 S2: Notation. How much did you have to pay that person... Tell the truth.
0:11:41.1 S1: It was all the money in my bank account. He was very happy with 50 cents saying, yeah, no, it's fun. Now, I have a decent amount of accents that I'm good at when it's like dialogue, but I probably wouldn't wanna do an entire book in that accent, but Irish is one of my main stays. I grew up in a very Irish household in Syracuse, where my family speaks with weird accents, and my grandfather was off the boats of Galilei, very... It runs very deep in this family... Got you. Love it.
0:12:22.0 S2: Really? Yeah.
0:12:23.5 S1: Yeah, I mean, other than Singha was the highlight. Saying Road. So after that, everything else is a blur. And unite just getting... My office is in, I finally got my standing desk, which I'm sitting at right now on
0:12:39.2 S2: My office is down. I'm so happy to... Sasanian, arresting, couch.
0:12:47.0 S1: Ream, Fantasia. Very Victorian of you. Very as well. I have Velasco covers, yese. Black Velvet light switch and outlet covers, Nicanor.
0:13:05.9 S2: Tells at least one exciting thing that you had with your week this week...
0:13:12.1 S1: Oh God, I don't do anything. I live in this booth, so... No, I'll tell you what I did, I completed the booking for a Disney World vacation for me and my little family, so...
0:13:25.5 S2: What is the Y?
0:13:27.7 S1: That's what I do.
0:13:29.0 S2: That's nice. Are you staying at the park?
0:13:32.2 S1: Yeah, we're gonna stay on property, they took away
0:13:35.0 S2: A lot of that. Talk about it.
0:13:36.5 S1: Yeah, eye to go every year or twice a year before everything happened, but now, this is our first time since everything started and we're gonna stay on property and then we have to figure out if it was worth of this time around, 'cause we always do, and it's always great, but now they've taken away a bunch of this stuff and they made a bunch of changes, not that seem as it used to be, but... That's okay, I just kept it. I can't... We... Cost, moats are good.
0:14:01.7 S2: The practitioner problem, and vacations and... Yeah, go and places. So should we get to our letter... Yeah, let's get to the letter and it's from a listener. Yeah, thank you so much for sending that in, and you know, you guys can reach us at derangement or dot com, you can fill out the anonymous form there, you can DM us, you can send a carrier pigeon. However you wanna get in touch with us, we would love to hear from you and love to help you with some questionable advice, which is not always questionable, but most of the time...
0:14:36.7 S1: So this is... Let's see, it says My boyfriend, 24, male and 22 female have been together for almost seven years. I love him very much, but the last year or so has made me question the longevity of our relationship, he has struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I've known him, but he kept it hidden from me until the last few years because he feels a lot of shame and his struggle with anxiety and depression, I've struggled with anxiety and depression over the past few years, but it is much less severe, I try to be as supportive as I can without it being a detriment to my own mental health... Well, he has made some strides to better manage his mental health, I feel like if nothing greatly changes, we won't be able to move on from this point in our lives, by that I mean by a house adopted pet together, how children, etcetera. We've had many conversations about his mental health and how it affects our relationship, and he's in the process of trying to see a therapist, but I'm terrified none of it will be enough and I'll be stuck in an unhappy relationship.
0:15:34.8 S1: He often cites other things as a drain on him in his mental health, like school when we were in college, or right now, it's an awful job he's in... I've tried laying out the absolute bare minimum of what I need from him emotionally and just to someone that I share at home with and he still struggles to meet that sometimes. Do you have any advice as to how to navigate a relationship where one person person suffers such severe anxiety and depression when he's having good days and things are great, I'm so excited for the future, but a string of bad days makes me question whether or not our relationship will last. I want to be a good in supportive partner, but I also know what I deserve from a partner, I don't expect him to wake up one day and never struggle with mental health ever again, I just wanna feel like I can trust that he can handle some more responsibility, love your podcast so much in all your books, I'm tired of being an emotional buy... I can chime in if that's a... Yes. Person who wrote the letter, I can relate in a lot of ways.
0:16:35.5 S1: So the woman I married has a boy, my life's gonna go crazy, now the ghost is in my... Both messing with my life. The woman I married who we are not together anymore, but we still live in the same house, and our best friends and raise children together, so we have a very strange dynamic, but it works, but anyway, she has mental illness. I won't go into it 'cause that's kind of her story to tell, but she has serious mental illness that requires therapy and medication, and I can tell you as someone we found really late in our relationship, she didn't know that she had this mental illness until we were together, we'd already been married, we already had kids, she went and got diagnosed and it kinda made a lot of sense, and so... I can tell you first off that I totally understand where you're coming from, that it is really challenging being the partner of somebody who struggles with those things, and as someone who really... I don't really experience a lot of... I experienced no depression and just kind of general anxiety, but definitely not in the sense that it sounds like you're describing...
0:17:39.5 S1: So what... Someone who hasn't had those experiences personally, it's really challenging because we can't ever really, truly empathize, we can sympathize, but it's really hard to empathize with what those experiences are like and how it impacts their daily lives, and it's hard for us as well. No doubt about it. So I guess the first thing I wanted to say in chiming in is that I just know you're not alone, there's a lot of us that have had those experiences, on the other side, I'll say that that is... Those things are a part of that person. Maybe they've manifested more as time is going on and life has gotten harder, I mean, you guys are really young, so life is starting to get to the point where there's a lot of bigger challenges and bigger weights on your shoulders, and so that is certainly gonna bring those things up to the forefront some more, and so of course that's gonna make it feel a little bit heavier, but I would say... Those things are a part of your partner. There are things that, yes, you will probably have to deal with if you end up together forever, they're probably not going away, and so it is something to understand, this is a long-term, potentially forever thing, and I do think it's gonna be important for you to imagine that this problem, although it may be something that there are more tools to work with for your partner, and you know, maybe it's medication, maybe it's tools gained from a therapist, maybe it's whatever, although it might get easier, it's probably always gonna be there, and I think you need to consider, are you going to be able to handle that, to be that support, because sometimes you are gonna have to pick up the slack emotionally and you know, not just emotionally, see my ghost lights are flickering crazy.
0:19:30.6 S1: So I think that it will be important for you to examine that and determine that's gonna be all right for you, and I think if it's not, I think you should maybe also cut yourself some slack and know that not everybody has that capacity to be able to do that, and it doesn't make you a good or a bad person to do it or not, but it's gonna be a challenge and your partner deserve somebody who is going to put forth that effort and is gonna be able to do the emotional work themselves to be able to support them, and you also deserve to have a partner who's who can meet your needs and that you feel is a good match for you, so that's kind of my perspective on that, is that I
0:20:15.6 S2: Hate... I'm gonna say I'm gonna mute myself really quick, what's my kids getting home, so the dogs just went insane, so you'll keep talking
0:20:22.7 S1: Now I was gonna say, you could tell who gives the quality advice on saris, this one me, I just make dice fart jokes for the most part, and it's not really applicable in this particular situation, but it... Colony
0:20:38.4 S2: Can find a fart joke that was relevant though, and... Give
0:20:42.4 S1: Me a minute, I bet you I will. But I think that's kind of the trick of it, right. You're still young. I think she said she was like 22. This guy is 24, been together for seven years. That's a long ass time. And you were together when you were kids, you know, I think sometimes it's... We recognize the... Not shortcomings, but we recognize the challenges in a particular relationship and we just sort of accept it as part of our truth, 'cause we're like, Hey, I've lived this for so long, this is what's comfortable even when it's uncomfortable, it's still comfortable, kind of like a far... Sometimes a part's uncomfortable until you let it out and then all of a sudden... Oh, it's more comfortable. Oh yeah, I got it. Now, I gotta figure out how to insert butter in the as somehow this... Then the heroes, like a regular love God's episode, but I think you're putting maybe too much pressure on yourself, maybe a little bit to... Much pressure on him as well. 'cause you're still a young substitute these things out, and sometimes that idea of Distance makes the heart grow funder, maybe that'll help.
0:21:44.9 S1: Maybe taking a little bit of break, not in terms of like, we're broken up, we're gonna go start seeing other people, but kind of like a mental check where it's like, Hey, let me figure out who I am without this person... Let them figure out who they are without me, because maybe we're not always gonna be there, we can't always be that crutch or they use the term boy, some place for them to always go back to because, hey, this is my touchstone, this is my touch base to reconnect to figure out why I'm... But you can't define yourself in who you are based on somebody else, you need to figure out, you let them figure out them, and then who you both are together. Well, and that's... Just to jump in really quick, that's also an important part of somebody who's going through mental health challenges is to have that team 'cause it isn't just one person, we're not just gonna... Like one person can't always be there, so for sure, he should be looking into therapy, as you said, he is, he should find the right therapist for him, he should find other folks that can be supportive whether it's for Free Port system, not just like you said, one person, so you can get that if you go to better help to sell...
0:22:53.9 S2: The other thing though is she doesn't say in the letter is exactly what type of help seeking...
0:23:00.6 S1: For sure. And I think
0:23:03.7 S2: The theater, other than the therapist, and it's kind of a clear me up on this, but does she say how long he's been seeing with their pistols is in the process of trying to see a therapist
0:23:16.0 S1: Who I gonna be looking for it.
0:23:17.4 S2: Which is difficult, our country is shit for finding quality mental health care that is affordable, especially if you're in your early 20s and you probably don't have great internet job yet, elated.
0:23:32.5 S1: You don't know what to look for, or a... You mean if you have no experience in that realm and you don't have other people that you can kind of lean on like, Hey, do you have a therapist, or what should I really difficult... Yeah, for sure.
0:23:43.1 S2: It's really difficult. So my big concern on this is just simply because they have been together for so long and they are so young, and I know that sounds so Incredibly patronizing and I apologize, but I'm an old lady, so you were pain to me, so it's really difficult not to be paid, I
0:23:59.4 S1: Got shoes. Older than you.
0:24:01.1 S2: Yeah. But what I will say though is I think, especially when it's a first love situation, and it's somebody that you started off with very young, a lot of times, one member in that relationship will try and take on the big time caregiver role or the big support basically everybody wants that person. Some people are great at that. And sometimes it's very easy to fall into that sort of... Somebody was talking earlier about that comfort zone, that comfort zone of saying, My job in this relationship is to be the support system, and you can support someone that you love, but if you are the only support, that's when it gets a little concerning for me, this is what... If I was talking to my kid about, this would be what I would be concerned about in that from the perspective, not only of, you need to take care of yourself as well as be able to be a support to somebody else, but also you may not be trained for that. And he is only looking to her as being his only support, and maybe looking for the therapist is something he's kind of doing, but not really, and I understand how hard and scary that is, that becomes a difficulty and that can happen in situations, and it's not just with mental health, it can be, you're in a relationship and one person is like, Well, I'm just holding out for that perfect job, or it can be somebody that's like, you know, just...
0:25:45.0 S2: You become... And that becomes sort of your way of your relationship as you become the person taking care of everything, and that to me, as I'm reading this and she's like, I'm not sure if we're gonna be able to buy house or to have kids, sort of get a dog or whatever it is, she's already feeling, that is what I'm getting from this lens, I would say if there's any way a type A Virgo coming out, there's any way to put together a plan to a checklist of options, because it can be really overwhelming to try and search out and find health care situations and things like that, so to be able to have a list saying, Here are my options within the location where we're at, here are people I've tried to reach out to here who's covered by my insurance. Here too, break it down into pieces and parts that made me get seen less overwhelming. It may not help, but it could possibly help, so... Yeah. Or what are you guys thinking? Yeah, I think this is such a... It's a poignant letter for me because I both suffer from anxiety and depression and have dated people who suffer from anxiety and depression, and one of the things that I think is so hard is that if he's just...
0:27:05.5 S2: If you're a boyfriend, laterite is just at the beginning of his journey to understand the symptoms that he's having and the ways that they affect him while he's like, It's really hard if you've been on land high school and college and yoga job, your whole life is structured for you, by external forces, your parents and school, and when you have to be at work, and for me, I mean, I've had depression since I was like 11. I remember being a kid and waking up and being like, something is wrong with me clearly, but I didn't know what it was and I didn't have any language to describe it, and it wasn't a huge problem for me externally, because internally, everything was regulated by other people, so it didn't matter if I was too depressed to get out of bed 'cause when my alarm went off, if I wasn't downstairs in time to go to school, I had a parent who would come up and be like, Get out of Benoit that one of the reasons it could be that your boyfriend has, like you said, suffered the stigma that mental health has in our culture, it could also be that he legitimately didn't understand what was going on for him because there is so little information given to teenagers, especially, unless you are cutting yourself overdosing on drugs, like really explicit extra that are visible symptoms to other people, and so I do think some patients would be good, because he may be very much at the beginning of understanding what depression and anxiety mean for him, because even though he's an adult, he had all these years of not having the literacy of speaking about this, so I think one thing is definitely give him some time to see a therapist to try medication if that's something that he's open to, because it could be that you are...
0:28:54.2 S2: That the way he is now and your concerns about how he would be able to participate in your life the way he is now, are not accurate to the way he's gonna be in a year or two years, once he has a regular therapist and is properly medicated if he's open to that, because those really do alleviate a lot of the symptoms that might be what you're concerned about, not being able to show up on time, do things participate in emotionally, take care of children, those are all symptoms that unregulated... Are very hard to manage, but when regulated like he could not be symptomatic in those ways, so if you have the patients, I would recommend letting him have some time to figure that out, whether that means taking a break or just being like, Okay, your job for the next year is to take care of yourself and your mental health, and I am gonna give you that time because I love you and I care about you, but I really like at the end of a year or whatever time feels good for you, I would like to check back in and see if this checklist that a, Verdi, these are these things that I use for or that you weren't really able to give me before, if you are able to now, and also a thing that I feel like doesn't get discussed nearly enough is that when you have been depressed for your whole life or anxious for your whole life, and then and you go on medication, it changes a lot in your brain, and you are not the same person as you were before, and I don't mean medicine icon changes your whole personality but there were things that I didn't go on medication until I was in my mid-30s, and in two months I was like, Oh my God, I'm a different person, and if I had gone on medication when I was 12, my life would have been completely different.
0:30:47.8 S2: And I think that to me is like, I know what I wanna say. Your partner might not wanna live with you after being on medication, that's not what I'm saying, but I am saying that you have to understand that when he gets treated for depression and anxiety, it's not just that his symptoms might lessen, it's also that you will see who he is as a person, and the choices he makes when he is not shackled by symptoms of depression and anxiety, and what that could look like is a different person than the one that you're used to in terms of like... Some people don't do things 'cause their anxiety makes them feel scared... Right, and this person could... When his anxiety is treated, suddenly turned out to be like a dare devil who loves to with sharks, and previously you were like, Thank God we both are stay-at home people who hate sharks or whatever, fill in the blank of your thing, so I think... Give your partner time to feel into his diagnosis and therapy and also understand that those medications don't just target depression and not touch anything else, and it could be that after a year, your relationship will look different even in ways that you're not expecting.
0:32:01.7 S2: And I think that's really important to say because you may still be compatible, you may go on medication too, and maybe you'll both still be compatible, but it could also be that both of you in managing your mental health issues become different people than you are expecting and those people may or may not still be compatible in a relationship, but even if you're not, even if you end up not compatible, that's not a bad thing, because both of you individually getting the help that you need and figuring out who you are when you don't have to manage mental illness, illness is more important, especially given how young you are, I think it's more important than staying together, and that's so sad and so hard to hear... I know, but I do think like, Give him time, but leave your heart open, that in a year when you check back in, even if now he's ticking every box, that doesn't mean that your relationship might just continue at pace... Right, there could be other changes as well... As
0:32:59.4 S1: Really opening perspective. Yeah, definitely, and I think the other thing too, you hit on it a little bit is that the medication isn't like he's gonna... Let's say he goes on medication, it's not like he's gonna take medication and it's just no more depression, everything I want, and the first medication might not work right, it's an experimentation process, especially with medication for mental health challenges. It's such a trial and error thing. And so it's gonna be a journey, that word gets overused, but it's true, it's gonna be a journey for trying to figure out what works for him, and it might even be like... I think depression and anxiety often get used as like this catch all, like I'm struggling with mental health challenges, whatever they are, it's depression and anxiety, but it could be a lot of things, there's a lot of things that could end up being something that maybe he's diagnosed with and that can know knowing that or at least having a hunch through working with a therapist can help him figure out how to manage that, how to deal with it, what to do during this kind of circumstance, what to do during that kind of circumstance and...
0:34:06.7 S1: Yeah, I think those things could... They could... Like you were saying exactly what you were saying, it could lead to a better relationship or it can lead to you as figuring out it's not right for you. I would just say though, don't... And I don't think you're trying to do this and nobody here would suggest it, don't just give up right now. You know... See where this goes, right? Be willing to at least... You've been together for a long time, and it seems like this is really the main issue, is that the times when he's struggling, you're not quite sure what to do, or it's really hard on you, or you're not able to get the things that you need from him. Working together with them, taking that time could lead to some really, really amazing things and bringing you a relationship to that next step, or it might not, or it might jump into your light and make you banishment now, maybe he's super into missionary sex, and then after he take the medications, he wants to use butter as a loop dam to or to
0:34:59.1 S2: See, you may not work in the ornate made it work.
0:35:05.1 S1: We use the butter, just depends on which whole...
0:35:07.9 S2: Although I would not recommend that. To God, the CDC says No.
0:35:14.9 S1: Okay. This episode, brought to you by country crock. Well, two things, they are very young, and the fact that they've been together for seven years... I mean, she was 15 when they started dating. They don't really, especially let a writer... You don't really know who you are at 15, and I know that sounds really condescending, but there's so much growth between 15 and 22, between 22 and 29, there's so much growth. So I would love for you guys to have a chat, not only about his challenges, but just about who you are as and what you wanna to life, because it sounds like you have this plan. You want it, you want a house in a pet and then kids, and he may not be thinking that just yet, because he's dealing with things, so I would love for you like growing... Always has to sit down and have a chat. You get to take out and just chat, and also it will give you an idea of how serious his he is about this journey that he needs to take on the road to wellness or better management. The other thing is, you said that this is the last year or so has made you question it, and for the last two years, we've all been living in a pandemic, and there's a war, and there's all kinds of stuff going on, so...
0:36:35.2 S1: I give you a one that just have the huge life change of getting out of college and just got a college, and probably had to do a lot of that last year or so at home, so this isn't normal. We aren't living in normal time, so give yourselves a bit of grace there, but I agree with everything everybody said. Other than... Yeah, not the best. Sample size of life. This is not normal. No, no, don't confuse this as being like, this is the new normal in your vetting, you can even buy a legal drink letter writer when we went into Lockdown. So I orient use alcohol to compensate...
0:37:18.7 S2: Well, and one other thing I'll say too, is that this is something that's not just about people dealing with some folks with mental illness, but one thing that is so hard, especially if you've been with someone since you were very young, is figuring out how to not be codependent, emotionally, when I was in high school, I dated someone for a long... Since we were in high school through college. And it is shocking to me when I look back and think about what a different person I was and the things that... The behaviors that I allowed, the things that I did, and I can look back on it and see I was emotionally co-dependent, like when this person felt bad... I thought I felt bad. And I think that's something that is still hard for me. I mean, my girlfriend is the sweetest, most wonderful person in the world, but I still have the experience that when she's in a bad mood, I have to remind myself like, just because she's upset about something that's going on with her doesn't mean that I automatically have to feel upset, but the instinct is there, it is a very...
0:38:28.4 S2: It's just a very human empathetic impulse, but also it really is the dependency to be like the people around me is feelings, set my own feelings, and it's so difficult, but I think one of the things that I wish I had learned earlier when I was in my teens and 20s is how to check in with yourself about how you're feeling before you encounter in other person's emotions, and then feel solid in that so that you can see the moment when their mood rubs off on you, so... It's really hard to tell. I think I'm... So I'm a super internal processor and I spend a ton of time on it before... Yeah, I work from home, I do all these things, I'm a writer, so I'm just hanging out with myself all day long, and so it's really hard sometimes to even know how I feel, and I go outside and encounter other people, and then suddenly I'm like, Oh, I'm in a really shitty mood because the first person I saw, I looked at me wrong, and I know I wanna go on a murder spree on outside, and the first title, normal relief. The first person I see is a friend I haven't seen in a while, and they're so happy, and then I'm like, Oh my God, I'm in a great mood, and it's almost like my...
0:39:39.6 S2: I don't register, it's not that I didn't have a mood before I went outside, it's that I wasn't confronted by anything that brought my mood with the surface, so I was just feeling neutral, and now before I leave the house, I check in with my side sounds so UU, but it's unconscious at this point, but you have to make it conscious fathers like I check in with myself and I'm like, Where am I a scale of one to 10? How am I feeling? And it feels really silly at first, but it is super helpful to realize like I'm in a really good mood, I finished my work for the day, the cat sat on my lap and just the right way, my coffee was extra good and I feel good, and then if you go to some like you're hanging out with someone and they... The first thing out of their mouth is like, I'm so fucking pissed at my person because of x, y or z, my publishers screwing me over my... This and that. And suddenly you're like, Oh man, the Waldo shit. Everything's sucks, that is a UDL changing your mood to fit with the mood of the person who's speaking to you, and that is just basic empathy, but that is also emotional co-dependence and what you should be able to do, and I hate using prescriptive language, but what you should be able to do is still be in a good mood and still feel in a good mood and have empathy for what that person is going through, that does not change your mood, and I know that probably some people listening right now are like, That's called being a robot or that's called being selfish, because we are steeped in this culture of co-dependence that tells you you should do that, but
0:41:10.9 S1: Actually there's a whole song about it, I feel glad when you're glad, I feel sad when you're sad.
0:41:16.2 S2: Whatever. Yeah, that gets romanticized as the of... But if you're facing feeling with someone, then the two of you are compatible, but all that is the emotional equivalent to having your period pull to be on the schedule of whoever is like the hormonal person in your area, like eyes on that person has the strongest estrogen is a Tani.
0:41:42.1 S1: Have four sisters. So my period was always dependent on the part of them, so I just... Rough it is.
0:41:48.4 S2: It just means that you're well-versed in buying chocolate, not asking questions or washing away within the way
0:41:56.1 S1: I wish having four sisters and then living with my mother and my grandmother had given me some sort of insight into being a better husband and partner, but I am just the worst person, so I just... No, no. And it is not right. Yeah, we know... No, no, my wife and I have been together 10 years married this May, and we've been together for 12, two kids, and it's super important to have that separation between the two, because now she does have bouts of anxiety and depression, not so much the depression... The anxiety can sometimes be crippling, and especially during covid, that was tough, that was tough to manage because I was used to what... How things would affect her prior to that, and then once we hit covid, like I had said earlier, I still work a full-time job during the day where I'm out and about and around people, and I wanna say early March, going into April, when it was like Hey, these next two weeks are critical, and the infection rate is gonna sky rock, and if we can't try to try to hedge this off, I ended up having to take FMLA 'cause my job was like, No, you have to be out and about.
0:43:09.9 S1: And I was like, Fuck no, I don't... I said, I just had a kid get in October before going into the pandemic, so I was like, No, I'm might take the FMLA, I still have time available, I'm gonna do that, and that was not putting my family at risk, but it's hard when you don't have that option available, and you ran... You were speaking to trying to find that balance between being there for the other person, being empathetic to what they're going through, but also knowing for yourself like, I don't feel those things, so I will never fully understand exactly what they're going through because that's not how I operate, but how I operate still needs to be supportive of what they are, but I can't let their mood completely determine what my mood is, and I'm fortunate enough that I am very loud mouth... And very self-assured that I know how I feel and who I am when I wake up in the morning, but I also know how my mood can affect those that are around me, whether it's my wife, whether it's my children... Whether I'm hopping on a call with Tim and how that's gonna affect him, and I'm always gonna be in a bad mood when I fucking get on the phone with him, it's bad mood for me when it takes on that moderate messages are bad enough, and now we send voice messages back and forth, and I've got...
0:44:26.2 S1: I'm like, I gotta hear this fucking voice too.
0:44:29.3 S2: It's just the Loren.
0:44:31.2 S1: Is it the love? Just asking in the love you. Right, right. My phone so many times, just knowing he was gonna send me a voice... Yeah, wakes up in the morning, go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's fortunate because he's on the east coast and he has a three-hour respite of not having to do with me until I wake up and I'm like, Hey, fuck face. And he's like, Oh, here it goes. My day has gone to shit, so...
0:44:52.2 S2: There you go. It's the end of the line, right?
0:44:54.6 S1: But it's great, I think it's cool 'cause we've had five, not conflicting, but varied opinions on ways that you can approach this and letter writer, you can kinda pick and choose what makes the most sense for you and what you think is gonna be the best way to be supportive and find a way through for you and for your partner, just... I'll give you the best advice of this whole thing, just ignore whatever, Liam and I said, No, you guys are right Atwater in the ass. That's the one that has the best one. Don't do that, take it. I say that at 22 I... Its, it's incredibly, incredibly impressive that you wrote this letter because... Yeah, the theater, 22, 32, 62. Whatever, I would not have written this letter, so thank you for that, thank you for trusting us a little bit to... Absolutely.
0:45:45.5 S2: Give you something I would... I just wanna sneak in just one last time with saying, Hey, you can be supportive without being the sole support, and that's really important too, is to remember that you can create that boundary without stopping being supportive of somebody you obviously care... Do you live out to be supportive, but I also keep taking care of yourself.
0:46:07.8 S1: Like they always say on the plane, put your oxygen mask on first and then help a person. So yeah.
0:46:14.4 S2: And because this letter writer says that she has also been dealing with depression and anxiety recently, that's at a lower level, I really hope later writer that you are carving out some time to deal with your own symptoms and that you are talking to a therapist and all of that stuff, because just because your mental health issues happen to be lower volume than the person you spend the most time with, of course, that comparison could make it feel like yours are, is important, but it was just in comparison with the person who happened to be spending time with it compares Are to Where You Want to Be. You are still having these issues, and I hope that you will respect those and not feel like just 'cause they're not as immediate that you don't deserve as much as your partner does. Absolutely. Okay. In other happy news. So we asked listeners to enter a get away because we did... It was our one year anniversary. And we asked people, What is the best advice you received? And I chose that ransom, I used a number of randomize, so it's not like I chose what I thought was the best advice, but I was very excited to see that the advice that this person gave, the winner gave fits really well with our letter today, so...
0:47:32.8 S2: Okay, our winner is Adriana Gonzales. Congratulations concomitant, you so much for listening, Adriana. And what Adriana is winning is a little sad, pack or peaty have signed books from me and Avery and Co, and also our brand new shiny Jerome writer swag, but okay, so here is the advice from... The best advice auras ever been given, she says it's worked in every relationship in my life, not just romance, not only are people not mind readers, but everyone's experiences will make them see things completely differently from you, so don't assume you know what they're thinking or saying until you talk to them. Communication is key, talk to people, you might think you know what the other person's thinking or how they're gonna react to some nose, but the highest chances that you don't know, it seems so obvious, but it's very hard to follow most of the time. Thanks for listening in on a advice is... Especially in what they think is wrong. That's the last part. Totally, but I feel like that's a... No, that's what we've all been saying is that is one of the most important modes of communication is starting off with understanding that you can't read that person's mind, they can't read yours, you don't know exactly how they're feeling, they don't know exactly how you're feeling, and that's why, you have to sit down and be like, Hey, you may or may not know how I'm feeling, or it, what about you? And that that would be a great way to start off a conversation about this if you want to, is like, Oh my God, dude, you have depression, anxiety.
0:49:04.8 S2: I have depression and anxiety. How the fuck are you feeling about this? Here's how I'm feeling. Let's talk about it and that... It's inclusive, it's collaborative. So I feel like the best advice the Aldermanic involves has received is also the advice that we would give you, which is like, Don't say As a... Tell.
0:49:23.4 S1: You know what they say about making interception makes an ass out of you and motioned that. I've heard that from meteorites weather without butter, and for those that are vegan like 10, there are not, no very alternatives that you can... Teleosts. Great Loop. Yeah, Earth Balance, I think I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, I think that's also a vegan, which is... I don't think so. I think it is. No, whatever. It's still probably a great loop at this point, anything can be great.
0:49:55.8 S2: Loir advice needs or being that this week, I love...
0:49:59.8 S1: This is true, this is very true.
0:50:02.4 S2: Well, Tim inland, we love to having engage here with us today, thank you so much for coming. Tell us one more time where we can find you guys, where we can find the podcast, all of the good things give...
0:50:16.7 S1: You can find our podcast at the love Gods LOL, that's our website, or they love God's LOL on the different socials, and you can find my work anywhere you get your audio books. Nice and same for me. You can also follow me on social media at Liam to Cosimo. I do apologize, it's not the easiest one to spell, but... DIC, O-S-I-M-O-S, Liam, become. Or you can just tune in to the love God and listen to Tim and I give absolutely Earth-shattering terrible advice and hopefully you ignore all of it and live a half your life because of it, please. Before you guys go, I wanted to know... I know you both do a lot of audio books, but when you're called upon to do accents, whether they be... Oh yeah, domestic or international. What's your favorite voice to do? So I love being able to put on an irate and I haven't been able to use it in a ton of books, but I've actually found more recently, I've really enjoyed doing a southern accent, and I kind of accidentally fell into what is sort of like a east-Texas West Louisiana accent, almost more of that...
0:51:31.1 S1: You accent like an SAP, added this book for only James where it was bodyguards falling in love with the person that they're guarding, and usually it's like an age cap, Mal Mal romance, and one of the guys is sort of supposed to be like this East Texas West Theresia not really described what they just... She attribute study Southern. So I went with the deep voice, so it's more of this voice real deep in the bay who were so... I'm just trying to protect his love interest, and I thoroughly enjoy the softness of his skin and how tightly he wraps himself around my Sheehan abs and the sweat that Lessing down my back. So that's kind of been like... His partner's name is actually love interest, that is the character's name. Yeah, pretty much so it's like same like This guy's name is this and this other guy's name is a lot of interest, it's very exciting. But that's been one that I've enjoyed a little bit more frequently, so I try to insert that one into books and then I'll usually get the note that like this character is not southern orders
0:52:43.5 S2: From Boston to a calculation.
0:52:47.4 S1: His character is British, well, fucked me. Or sorry, I should say. Oh well, fuck me.
0:52:53.6 S2: Yeah, exactly.
0:52:54.9 S1: Slightly, my favorite is to do my favorite accident, his general American. I'm really good at that one. It's so difficult to do. It's really hard, it's really, it's really hard. It's actually pretty fucking Tibet, I don't know if you've noticed throughout this entire podcast, but he's pretty on the... Was absolutely the worst accent that I probably ever heard of my entire life, all you wish that he had gone to some sort of formal schooling to teach him how to do a fucking beat of an accent, but we'll stumble through this regardless and hope your listeners won't call us out to ban what he said, and you would pay with both of us being originally from New York, like one of us could do a possible New York accent when we fucking can...
0:53:36.4 S2: Now, Cantonese, they're taking norsemen, they are.
0:53:43.4 S1: They just want it on... We're not 1940s gangsters, we can... We don't actually fucking talk like that, but as soon as you put a camera on our Facebook like, Oh yeah, the fucking jets mando. Great. Oh, that's a cool... Goes, I'm obsessed with dating shows, completely upset. It's a problem. I watch way too many dating shows, but there's this one called Are You The One... It was on MTV, and on the first season, there's one character that's from New York, I say character because he is supposed to be a reality TV, but he is such a New York character. Just if you ever wanna watch somebody who's like, Oh, that person is probably not from New York and is playing a role, it's that dude, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about if you... If you ever watch it, it's bad. There was a guy on YouTube, I'm sure he has a life outside of YouTube, but he's a western trapped in there. Yeah, yeah, he's like a dialect expert anti-teacher somewhere they... Have you seen the video where he goes through every... Oh my goodness.
0:54:44.1 S2: He does every accent from Canada, I think all the way down, all through the states in this...
0:54:50.9 S1: If it's the one I'm thinking of her, he will lay into actors like professional actors and is like that, so yeah, they should have hired an acting coach because this is terrible, like a hold nothing back when he's picking part accidents. That's why I think for us as narrators, we have to be pretty honest with the... You don't wanna put ourselves in a situation where the attempt... An accent that just comes out just in genuine, I had from only James. She did a series with Neville where one of the characters were supposed to be like middle Israeli Pakistani, and I was just like, Look, there's no way I'll do the book, but can we do a general American accent or maybe just like a more clipped pronunciation, so it's more just, not RP, but proper in the way that they're delivered and they were like, Yeah, that's fine, 100%. Go ahead with that. And the end result, in my opinion, the interest was far better than if I tried to imitate like Colgate. It was just not gonna work.
0:55:52.4 S2: Yeah, it was really interesting. I'm sorry, go ahead.
0:55:55.2 S1: I was gonna say, I actually had a narrator who I wanted to do a particular book where it was a Glaswegian accent, and he was like... He's like the entire book, and I was like, Yeah, he was like, I would love to, but I'm not gonna pretend that I could hold that for the Beirut. There is no way. And I was like, Well, I appreciate your honesty. We'll work on something else, but yeah. Thank you for that.
0:56:13.2 S2: That's a huge thing. Okay, and I'm not gonna call out the author on this, this is a non-fiction book, so it's not... Nobody at is in our specific romance community, but I love this author's books like nobody's business. I was so excited about the latest book that came out, I know I don't read the blurbs, I just buy the book 'cause I love this author so much, and it was one of those where I had a lot of audible credits left, so I'm like, I'll get it on both, and then I could just swap back and forth, which I actually love doing and... Bless her generation was so bad at talking to people in her book, they're always like, There are interviews in there and all that stuff, so she's trying to do as a normal human, not that you all aren't normal, but you got some special labels it yet a skill set, but so she's trying to do different voices for each of the people that she's interviewing, and what made me think of it is one of the guys that she interviewed was... I don't remember which Providence in India, but he...
0:57:30.5 S2: And it was so stereotypical and so incredibly bad that I couldn't just not listen to the audio book, like I still haven't read the book, and I'm like... And that's so unusual, but it was just really, I'm like... And it very much made me appreciate because there are some people that can do their own books and in the non-fiction world, and I think it makes a lot of sense and it comes through really well, like, Okay, I'm reading and listening to allow me to report right now, right? And he actually does his own duration and He talks super fast though, so I'm at... Actually have to slow them down. But it fits in and it works in all of the ways, but that is a skill set to be able to marry a book as it is a huge skill set. And I don't think people realize that.
0:58:28.7 S1: True, I recently signed up for tiktok much to the sugar myself and everyone around me, but there was some like there's the random people that they'll be like, Don't give advice like a side hustle, part five or whatever it is. Like a side hustle, go to AC dot com is on this... You can get 400 by reading this children's book, and I was like, For fuck saying No, you can't... You just bypassed a thousand steps to fucking do this and you basically marginalize an entire profession, I wanted to comment back to it, but I just don't care enough.
0:59:04.5 S2: You're like, Do I have the energy to start that fight today really, really... And
0:59:08.7 S1: I'm like, Is this gonna be my first tiktok is bitching about my profession? Maybe I save that one for a tattoo, become a best selling author. Yeah, that peace is with like your...
0:59:23.8 S2: Can you speak English then? You can be a note you a lot... You've got this
0:59:31.6 S1: And 97 for my course on that, I
0:59:34.5 S2: Pretty much... It's like.
0:59:35.8 S1: Can you read... Can you read a book? Can you speak English? You can become a NASA scientist with this step, make sure you click that subscribe button, have you ever looked at the night sky?
0:59:45.2 S2: Ritornello, thank you guys so much for being here. Thank you everybody for hanging out with us as you're a degree, make sure and go check out the love God to send in your questions to us first Estelle sent to them to the in the
1:00:10.5 S1: Present, the teased it to them. If you wanna know about the great American challenge, send it to us.
1:00:17.9 S2: We Heathens in aveyron dot com, or you consider it her anonymous form, or social medias, all that other good stuff, please send them in because we came out... Wait to give you some questionable advice for me, trio of happily ever after enthusiasts. Thank you guys so much, and we'll see you next week. Merth, thank you so much for subscribing to Dear romance writer. Remember to keep sending in those letters, I... Dermis dot com, we can't wait to tell you what to do. Your romance writer is part of the frolic Podcast Network. Find more podcasts you love, framed, podcast.