EPISODE 19 
TRANSCRIPT

0:00:10.7 S1: Welcome to another episode of Dear romance writer were three writers who always deliver heavily in rafters offer questionable advice for all of your recent relationship, relationship work and life problems. I'm zero.

0:00:24.4 S2: I may relent and I run parish. We've got a great COO for you today, thank you for joining us. As it has been kind of a crazy week here, a couple of weeks at the Linus, I am teaching child number two to drive road. Let me tell you something, that is the biggest trip about this, so first child was overly confident and everything, including her driving skills, and I'm sorry, the dogs just started barking. If you hear her in the background, all... Jessi think the entire time that I was teaching her to drive was basically me telling her to slow down, slow down.

0:01:12.5 S1: So you're to clothes. And with second child who is so stereotypically the middle child, everything is... You've got this like, my oldest would not recognize me in the car with my middle child just simply because I'm so encouraging, like, you can do it, go. But he drove us on our very scary, very scary... Yeah, what makes that work are scary, super narrow roads with no shoulder here where we live, so that we could get barbecue and... Because the best barbecue is on the side of the road from a dude and a stand with his own giant smoker... At least where we live. That's the best barbecue. And so he did that and he got out and he's like, I'm sweating.

0:02:07.2 S2: I... SOI I've spent the past couple of weeks tormenting a 15-year-old and by teaching him to drive and enjoying it, and we are headed off to a baseball tournament here and over the weekend, and I told him if he doesn't put together a playlist, Zoho might wanna text a link that he was gonna have to listen to my podcast the whole drive.

0:02:31.9 S1: So He will be tormented with... And then her hand was cut in, her leg was cut off.

0:02:37.8 S2: So I listen to the podcast, you're listening to his... Cause iterated, I miss that. We talked about great stuff, like getting on all of my true crime and my historical crime... Podcasts that I love. What have you guys been up to? You did not experience this because... You never learned to drive? Correct.

0:03:03.9 S1: You never got my driver's license. Right.

0:03:07.7 S2: I feel like there is a particular type of parent that makes the worst drive in... Well, probably probate are tons of types of parents that make the worst driving instructors, but I had a friend who, when she was taught to drive, her mom was so terrified that every time she would like speed up two miles, her mom would be clutching the side of the thing... And I just remember it ever such a complex about driving a reboot, I feel for that mom... That's all I could tell you. Okay, the invisible break is there for a reason. I think I was more like your oldest child, I was very confident, not nervous, I felt like I knew what I was doing, and my father, who was the one who more often would teach me how to drive, also felt confident in the fact that he knew what he was doing... And both of us seemed less confident in the other, and so we saw a lot... Yeah.

0:04:13.6 S1: I think that's part of it. Part of the fun part of the joy. Yeah, just nobody wanted me to get behind the wheel of the car, and it's weird because I wasn't like a wild child or anything, so I'm not sure what the... Wait a minute.

0:04:27.3 S2: I've heard stories. So you waited till like you were older to become the wild child travels. Okay, alright.

0:04:34.5 S1: Good. Farmed at one time, once I went away to uni at 17, that was it. I was like, Oh my gosh, I could do whatever.

0:04:45.1 S2: I was... I did teach a friend of mine to drive when we were in college, actually, my friend months, I didn't have a license, didn't know how to drive, and we went to a huge parking lot in outside of... Mall in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania. And I let him drive my car and all he could say was that he was so terrified that he was gonna crash it and not be able to pay me back for my car, and I was like, Why do you think other norms parking lot washing to work. My car after I was teaching you to drive it, you don't seriously think I would foresee... I just want to have a car anymore. In the end, yeah, it's like, What? We disagree too, right? Yeah, that's always interesting. I've petrified people with my driving for many decades now, orient to me...

0:05:36.6 S1: No, no, ever. You're a good driver. I've been in the career, people in my family will not get in a car if my husband is shining on all... If they've ever been in the car with him, they won't get in the car with him again...

0:05:49.6 S2: Good to know. He is fast. Okay, so he's fast.

0:05:54.1 S1: So he's not road rage or is he rode

0:05:56.3 S2: Right? And

0:05:57.0 S1: There's a bit of one, which is Tempered over the year... Yeah.

0:06:03.4 S2: Fast, fast. But it's really something feet to be fast in Philadelphia, I feel like. Yeah, it is.

0:06:13.9 S1: Give me an idea. So we're leaving Philadelphia, we drove up to Montreal from Philly is like a seven and a half year drive, we did it, I think in six and a half hours, I would drive with your husband any day, twice on

0:06:30.3 S2: A... III was taught to drive by my mom, who we still laugh about in our little plan household, because she lives out in the country, and she will take her breakfast with her to drive...

0:06:45.3 S1: Right, many of us eat and drive

0:06:47.2 S2: Her breakfast is a bowl of opium. You know, that's the woman that taught me, so I think that explains everything, so yeah.

0:06:55.8 S1: Also led fan drive, eating a crispy cream, you can drive everyone. Oh my God, that's funny. I really do. I wanna go somewhere with your husband now.

0:07:06.0 S2: That sounds weird, but you know what I mean? What can I tell you both about something very combating that happened to me yesterday or the... Okay, I believe I've talked on this podcast before about what a massive Mike Flint again, and I am a one Dr. Sleep, honey, health laterally. So my amazing brilliant girlfriend, thank goodness, stays up too late on work nights, and the other night was at midnight on Twitter, looking at the Mike Flanagan and seeing if there were ready updates about his new show, Maastricht. Yeah, yeah, so she saw a tweet that was like the first however many people who respond to this get to attend an early watch party of the first two episodes and an interview with the creators and the actors, and she matched that button so hard. So last night, we actually got to see the first two episodes of Minima, which when you're all hearing this podcast, it'll already be out, so that won't seem as fun, but... Okay, so she wore a non-costume... Side bar. Apparently, I have a thing for non-US... No parliaments. Now, I made a crucifix with a satanic symbol on it, 'cause I didn't actually know what the show...

0:08:38.5 S2: You can't really tell what the show is about from the preview, but you know it's about religion, and any harder thing that's not religion will obviously also have something that... And I made a snack, Umesh washing snacks. So we ate drink sparkling apple cider, eight snacks in our costumes, have watched the first two episodes of Minima, which was amazing, in which I will make a dodo this to go somewhere. Or was it like in your line, it was like a streaming... Totally streaming. So we watched the two episodes and then it segued into... It was like an Eventbrite thing, so you go in, they show you the first two... It's branded for Netflix, so it's clearly the first two final cuts, and then the screen went dark at the end and it was like, just submit it. Everyone signed it to zoom, and then it was like maybe 700 people, 800 people is a lot of people. It's awesome, I got to the zoom and then there was an MC running it, and then who popped up, but the producer and Mike Flanagan, his health, and we started chatting, and then one by one, like many of the cast popped in on the Zoom, which was recollects all these people were popping in and so they stayed and chat for a little bit, and then the actors left us and we just got to chat with produce their ends, his name, I'm unfortunately forgetting in my flat again, and it was great.

0:10:06.7 S2: People ask questions, they talked a lot about the genesis of the show, which I will say for all people who work on creative projects, he said that This is a show like 10 years in the making, he's working on the script in different forms for 10 years and had it rejected for movies, rejected for shows, and that really, it was like the very vocal fan group of hunting-a-fly manner and hunting Hill House, loving him and his work so much that made Netflix Athena green light, which is... Yeah, it's both really cool and humbling to be like, Yeah, if you have it, it's all the project. This one took 10 years, and this is a successful person, and so wonderful as a reminder that your audience really has all the power in terms of... Like Martell do for you, so it was so cool. In case anybody is not a mix, Flanagan fan, highly recommend all of this stuff and it was totally the highlight of my week. That's a lot that... Yeah, that was great.

0:11:07.4 S1: For what you do to do that is things like that. Well, I guess we should get into hour, let her versus a A and give questionable advice. We have is, they want to be called feeling confused and stuck. Can I feel sad for them? Already see, dear romance writer, I've been married to my husband now says 2013, and we, again, falling back into this phase where we feel more like roommates and husband and wife, I take responsibility for some of our issues when I lose trust, that is very hard for me to emotionally and physically open myself up to someone... And I've had some trust issues with my husband is, even before we were married, my husband needs the occasional ego stroke and sees what he needs from the women... From women online, I feel like our marriage is always have three people in it, the two of us and women on the Internet when interacting with women who may somehow find out he's married, he always gives the excuse, we're getting divorced, which we never have been. I've gotten dick pics from women... Yes. Of my husband's penis, I recognize the penis and the man cave in the background, I've gotten text messages from a woman he had a side relationship with for about eight months, the messages read like they had a physical relationship, but he claims it was all over the phone and online, I think the fear of getting my kids and I moved and starting over is keeping me here financially, I haven't done what my mother's always told me to do, I have money of your own set aside for just in case...

0:12:32.4 S1: I also think there's that hope that all the foolishness is over, I need that mental and emotional connection though, to meet him halfway... His love language is physical touch. I used to be that girl, but I can't be... I can't be... If that emotional connection isn't there, do you think it's fixable or should I put more energy into moving on.

0:12:52.1 S2: A more energy... I would like your address so I can go kick your husbands as... Please.

0:12:59.1 S1: Yeah, CSI really wish I hadn't read this at the code or this episode, this letter earlier today.

0:13:11.0 S2: Just simply because... Actually, it's probably a good thing because I wouldn't have been able to keep quiet, but as you're reading the letter, with the rest of it, I have never wanted to... You know what.

0:13:23.4 S1: I have a lot of thoughts and a lot of curse words in my head right now for this husband... The first thing I would say though, is that beyond everything else, I think this is a good reminder or why even if you make money in a marriage or a relationship, I do think it's that each partner have access to a fund that is theirs, and this is part of the reason for that just sort of normalize that it's not really mad money, but it's bad money pockets, but it's too late for her at this point in time, or him... We don't know. I would say, honestly, that our letter writer already knows the answer to this, this... Our letter writer already knows the answer to this, so the only person who can decide whether it is time to go, is there a lot of writer... What did they wanna be called again? Feeling confused and stock, she says The fear of getting in her kids and her move and starting over is keeping her there, so she already knows that the answer... She already knows, and you know what, that is a hard and scary thing, I do not envy anybody who has done that, I think anybody who has or started over at any point in time in their life, that's really difficult.

0:15:02.1 S1: And it's very scary. I would simply ask... You talked about kids, so you guys obviously... Well, they may not be kids together, but there are kids involved in this situation, it is this... The relationship behavior that you want to model for your kids, I think that number one is something to think about, but all of this counts as cheating to me, I mean, there's emotional cheating and there's physical cheating, and this... Even if it's just online, crosses over to that nearly physical...

0:15:42.1 S2: I think if you're having fun sex or virtual set or somebody... Yeah, and you're sending dick pics that...

0:15:48.0 S1: That all counts to me.

0:15:50.0 S2: So that is a deal breaker for you. Which it sounds like it is. Then

0:15:55.4 S1: Yeah, that is as I take responsibility for some of our issues, when I lose trust, it's hard for me to... So she's blaming herself. Yeah, it's almost really does some gas lighting going on here because you started... You say you started the relationship, went into the marriage with trust issues with this person, the trust issues continue or magnified during the marriage, and now you're questioning whether you... Yeah, I feel like you're looking at the letter writers looking for permission to take the action that she already knows she needs to take, so here, Zeo is giving you permission to take the action that you... Every second son.

0:16:36.8 S2: Permission to go to judging by Rosas, the third.

0:16:40.2 S1: But not gonna be easy. It sounds like it's gonna be a hard road for a little while, but emotionally it's gonna be so much more healthy for you to get out of the situation because...

0:16:52.7 S2: Yeah, I think fundamentally, the thing that upsets me most about this is that this is a person that doesn't respect you, letter writer, there are lots of partners who have arrangements about internet sex or chat sex or whatever, and I given that from your letter, it sounds like this has been an ongoing thing that you've known about, even if you haven't condoned it, it seems like that wasn't the deal breaker for you because that's been happening and you have stayed... Maybe maybe because of fear or whatever. But to me, it seems like the part that's much more damaging and that I would say cannot be repaired, is that this person is denying you to people who he doesn't even care about, people he's just using for an ego stroke or to get off. And he is saying, I just don't think that most people in a loving relationship would ever say, Oh yeah, we're getting divorced over sexy, don't need to... There's no reason to do it.

0:18:00.2 S1: So it's the promises of something else in that side mentorship of...

0:18:05.5 S2: Right, 'cause again, it's like... It's still behind your back. It still... And what he's saying it is... And so I think that it's one thing cheating is something that people have different opinions, and there are lots of couples who get over cheating, lots of couples who make new promises and make it all work, but I think that in order to do that, it's like an apology, it has to come from a genuine place and show a change in behavior moving forward, otherwise it's not worth anything, and so if what it seems like is that again and again, your partner is seeking out this thing that you have not previously agreed on and is like throwing away your relationship to these other people... That's the kind of thing that my mom would be like, Oh my God, no, can I hurt? I don't jinx it. You don't... Don't lie and say that your mom died to get out of a paper because they are attempting the universe again. My mom, she's superstitious, but I think that there is something that if you're willing to tell these elaborate lies that devalue the person that you love, that is not recoverable from, I don't think...

0:19:14.6 S2: And if you're the person who's being devalued and you find out that your partner has repeatedly said, repeatedly dismissed your relationship as, we're about to get a divorce, I don't think that comes back from a ball, he has a saleable, it's not... And I think exactly like every said, That's not something that you wanna model for your kids, even if they don't know the details, I'm like, presumably this is happening behind closed doors, and these conversations are behind closed doors. I do think that what models something good for your children even if it's disruptive of your life is saying

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