EPISODE 17 
TRANSCRIPT

0:00:00.9 S1:Welcome to deal romance writer, your home or questionable advice to the bewildered and the funnel, random Popolo recommendations and conversations about You e-links, be sure to send in your letters seeking advice on our anonymous form at Dear romance writer dot com.0:00:20.7 S2:Dear romance writer is part of the frolic Podcast Network, a podcast community of everything, romance and romance-related, if you're into romance fiction of any flavor, the product Podcast Network include shows that future book club style discussions, author interviews, comedy critique, and fantastic conversations as well. Include some of the most innovative, interesting and entertaining podcasts, including kidding, crappy friends, my imaginary friends, smart podcast, trashy books, and Jeff and wheels big gay fiction podcast. What does this mean for you blister? More shows to enjoy and more opportunities for us to introduce you to great episodes and new podcasts you love if I new shows to add to your podcast subscriptions at framedpodcasts. Now, on to this week's show. Hey, welcome to another episode of German writer. I am zeal Axelrod. I roerich, and our guest today is Dr. Robin Smith, my aunt. But we're excited to have her with us. We are missing one of our co-host today, Avery is under the gun, she's on deadline, so she could not join us today, but she's here with us in spirit, so I very... So Dr. Robin is here and her bio, she's my aunt, and even if she wasn't on, it would be to all of her because she's amazing, but I'm just gonna read her bio because it's just not..

0:02:00.2 S2:Okay, Dr. Robin is a licensed psychologist and ordained minister with a PhD in Counseling Psychology, who has worked with Fortune 100 500 companies, sports and entertainment professionals to offer conflict management, diversity and inclusion training, executive performance coaching and more an experience meet in media and television personality. She is the author of several books, including The New York Times number one best-selling lies at the altar the truth about great marriages. Where are the titles? Include inspirational vitamins, A Guide to personal impairment, and the soul man more hungry the truth about being full. She's appeared and shared her expertise on news and entertainment television programs, including abc's Good Morning America, CNN, NBC, the Today Show, the Fox News Channel, the Queen, Latifah Show, Anderson Coupa, Cooper at Coupa. We were there, Anderson Coupa, and that's therapist and residents on the Oprah Winfrey Show, where everyone knows her... Just Dr. Robin and I love her catch rate, which is Learn Live lead fearlessly. And it's a true mark. It should be trademark, but...

0:02:58.2 S1:Yeah, so welcome, Dr. Robin.0:03:00.6 S2:I'm so happy to be here, and of course, SEO because you are my niece, but also I'm happy because you are such a powerful artist and I love... It's true. And I love being with women of all ages and kind of ethnicities and people who are living in the world in similar and different ways, so this is really exciting to be with you and Ron and missing Avery, but Iknow she's with us and spirit. So this is great. Or extend to have you. Yeah, we have some really good letters today, so I'm excited to get your input on these... We'll get off with the one that we found, I think this was from gamer, it's a queer gaming website, and I think they just started their advice podcast or the advice column earlier this year, so it's pretty new, so we're happy to shout them out, but the letter is my girlfriend moved in with me at the beginning of first lock down when we'd been dating for three months, which is fast, but we didn't wanna lock down long distance Coulee, been together for a year now. And we're happy. She's great, nobody is doing anything wrong, but it feels very old married couple

0:04:14.2 S2:Routine has sat in forour recent anniversary, she made my favorite meal, which is sweet, but we also have it in rotation in our meal plan, maybe it's just a pandemic thing because it isn't like 2020 didn't suck for all of us, but I can't help... I feel like I wanna do over. What do I do? It just sounds like stillness has sat in here, I guess it is. I love the question and the curiosity in the question, What do I do and exploring, not blaming. As I hear the question, I don't hear blame, I hear curiosity about like what's possible and how did we end up feeling like an old married couple? Some of it is covid, the pandemic. We've never been through it, any of us, and there is something about being quarantined with people we know well, or those who we kind of just met and then ended up living with, which can feel both comforting and as things begin to fall out a bit somewhat overwhelming. How do we keep the fire, how do we nurture the passion in the face of fear and uncertainty, fear and uncertainty can lead to connection, but it alsocan kind of squash some of our creativity.

0:05:41.6 S2:You both are our artists, meaning your writers and your creatives, and you know as I do that when there is something heavy sitting on us consciously or unconsciously, you can get in the way of our creativity flowing, and so I really feel for this person that quite possibly the do-over they're looking for may be much simpler than they think and much closer than they think, my suggestion is this, that instead of looking for what's missing, turn your frustration into a request, not only of your partner, but of yourself, a lot of times when something's off, we know how to complain about it, but for what I encourage people to do is take the complaint and create a request, so the request might look or sound something like this, we've been together, we came together because we didn't wanna do a long distance connection during covid, and why this feels good to me, there is something that I'm grieving. So that's taking ownership. There's something I'm grieving, there's something that I would like to see different in our connection. So for instance, and then get concrete, for instance, my birthday or our anniversary, you did something really sweet, but my request is that we..

0:07:20.5 S2:For me, that we think of something together that is now... Something that is different than what we would use. We do. So that menu item or that dinner is kind of in our normal rotation, simply because we had to figure out again, how to eat and stay at home and stay safe, thatmaybe what you're asking and your request is... Let's have something that is new for both of us. So you've created both an opportunity for something more, but you're not asking your partner to read your mind, and that's where we get in trouble when we're asking our partner like they should know, why didn't I know it's not special 'cause it's in the rotation already. They may be thinking, Well, it's one of your favorite things, that's why in the rotation. And they have been together that long, long night torealize that this is something that they... Like is like a surprise or something. And it may be not only that they've not been together that long, but they came together in terms of living together under a very tough time, so there are just things in all of our lives, in all of our hearts, in all of our bodies that are kind of shifting, and we're needing to recalibrate, Who am I now in this moment, after 18 months or 22 months or however long, we're still needing to make sense of social distancing and vaccines and all of the kind of non-sexy parts of survival.

0:09:09.4 S2:So we have to be more mindful, not critical, but just more mindful that it does take more effort and work to spice up even a meal or a birthday or an anniversary. The other thing I willjust remind everyone who is tuning in, and I think this is something I practice in my own life, is that it is easier to complain, that it is to constructively ask for what we want, and it's easier simply because we've had more models for people complaining than we have of people who don't expect a mind reader, I mean, it's a part of maturity that even though I'd love for you to know it, without my saying it, a part of being grown up is asking for what I want and letting that... Become a turn on, a turn on meaning to me, the south, then I'm actually able to ask for what I want, and it's a very different way of seeing aliveness and vitality and passion, that it's not always in the seat or the hands of the other, but I can turn myself on by taking care of myself and by being able to ask and give a language to my own needs, you're totally speaking runs language, 'cause she is always on this program I'm talking about, talks being expressed and she...

0:10:42.4 S1:And I love that formulation of turning yourself on or caring for yourself in turning the ask into self-care and self-celebration. I really love that, and I think one thing that's interesting is that relationships during covid have been really different for some people, because what we had was an environment, a world that was inundated with fear, uncertainty, surprise, excitement, not in a good way. And I think it's actually not very surprising to me that this relationship would have sort of fast-tracked to old married couple, because I think old married couple is sonorous with comforting, predictable, calm, soothing. And that is an antidote to everything that is outside of the relationship, and so I don't think that it's... I don't think that covid has had the negative effect of making your relationship turn out this way, I think you have constructed and participated in a relationship that is giving you the complementary to what is outside of it. And of course, one downside for you in this instance is that you cultivated this relationship of predictabilityand column soothing care, but sometimes that doesn't include surprise and a newness and excitement, and so it could be that...

0:12:07.7 S1:Yeah, you're maybe if covid weren't going on, your partner wouldn't have been routinely cooking your favorite meal because you guys would have been scrambling coming home from work and you would have eaten out more, there wouldn't have been time, so actually it's not that she did something repetitive, on your birthday, it's that you get to celebrate something like your birthday every two weeks because you have this time and the space to cultivate those moments of care in this other way. I think you can just as easily think of it the other way, and so yeah, I think that that idea of asking yourself, What are the parts of routine comfort, coins that I like about This Old married couple relationships and preserving those, making that really explicit saying, I love that we know each other so well that we have a meal plan that we both really like, I love that we... Instead of going out every night, get to cuddle it, our PJs and watch our favorite show, as I love that, I know I can just bring you coffee every day at 1 PM and you're gonna want it, and we'll get to have a little kiss in a cuddle at lunch time, like I love thosethings and I wanna preserve them.

0:13:16.9 S1:And then creating a separate list of things that are like... One of the things that makes those so special and comforting and nourishing and soothing would be if we had these moments where actually we get to plan some really fun, exciting stuff for both of us, for example, my birthday, every other Friday night, whatever you think the thing is... And then it's not like throwing the baby out with the bath water where you say that this old married couple of relationship is a bad thing, it's that you preserve the pieces of it that you wanna preserve, and you make space. And as Dr. Robinson, make explicit the things that you really want and why you want them in the moment that you want something more exciting, so that it is like building together what pieces of both those kinds of relationships you both want0:14:00.1 S2:In the whole relationship has been fast-tracked because I don't think they would be moving in together after three months if none of this was going on in the outside world, so they would have had that space to retreat you and they come together and then do things together, but like you said on... Everything became about comfort and routine and care when the world was in chaos, so I think just stepping back and the worlds opened up a little bit, and I don't know where these people are in the world... Somewhere in the US, I guess, but not everybody can go walk outside or go do something outside of the house, so if they're stuck in the house, a finding those things that are just that break the routine... Without demolishing the routine, like you said, keep the things that you love and to sort of throw in a little space every once in a while. Yeah, I think that'd be fine. I just know, I think the term old married couple always has such a negative connotation, because if you're a married couple who's been together for a long time, you must be doing something right, you know that mean..

0:14:59.4 S2:So hopefully you've been doing something right, so I think that's not calling it, that is just like, that's a good thing. You guys are, you're compatible and you're campanile and you have found a life together that's wonderful, so just find a way to express those little extra things that you want, those little special moments that you want.0:15:19.4 S1:Yeah, and one of the things my girlfriend and I love to do, actually the idea of old married couple of sound sounds great to me. I feel like I want 90% old married couple and 10% like 16-year-old mindless idiots, that's like an ideal relationship thing, and so one of the things that my girlfriend loves to do our theme dates, and they're really, really easy because you take things that you already were going to do and just build them out. So for example, we were gonna go to... There's an archeology museum in Philadelphia, and we haven't done the state yet, but it's on the list of its plans, and so she asked if I wanted to go to the archeology museum, and I was like, Yes. And what if we make an archaeology date day of it, so we're gonna dress up in outfits that are gonna like 19th century archaeologist, whatever that Indiana Jones. Exactly, exactly. I try not to, unless, go to The musing little notebooks and do kind of naturalist sketches while we're there and talk about the exhibits, and then go home, make dinner and watch this movie Ammonite, which is about a 20th century...

0:16:27.4 S1:Shall? Scientist, lesbian romance, very, looks very adorable. And that would be like an afternoon and an evening of a date, and it's like going to a museum, not again, when things are safe, to not super outside the box in dinner and watching a movie, not super outside the box, but the intentionality is what makes it fun is that you're sharing something together, you can be characters if you want to, or just have a chance to dress up or have a chance to have conversation about the museum that you're having during dinner, which is a little different than having a conversation about the Zoom meeting where your boss was acting annoying, it doesn't pulsating in a little bit of excitement into things that you might otherwise do, you also don't need a museum thing, you could say like, we're gonna look for YouTube videos about conspiracy theories, and we're gonna watch them. And then we're gonna try to create our own conspiracy area and figure out how we would terminate... These are the things I find romantic, you're fine. Run with it, but just something that is participatory, that's fun, that's just a little bit outside of the box on it.0:17:43.1 S2:I don't think it'll take much for them to... 'cause the word happy isn't here a couple of times, we're happy, everything to Vevey one's good, so I think it'll just be a quick conversation like, Let's think of some fun things we can do, and Leif not worried about these people at all. Yeah, and I think that's why I was saying that not to oversimplify it or to make them feel like we didn't get that they want... And it some help, some support, but there was a sense about this letter that it's really asking just to expand what is already good, to expand what is already rich, and so that's really exciting

0:18:28.7 S1:Yeah, and I love how they say, Well, the later writer says that they wanna do over... And I think actually, that could be a place to start. Thatcould be a really sweet romantic place to start is saying, what if we have a first... A new first state, or what if you have a celebration of together... We've been together for one year, one for our anniversary, we do pretend we don't know each other, meet at a bar, or we test say, Okay, so we're gonna start over, what is the thing that I can do that would excite you the most, that would really... You... That would comfort you. And those are conversations that end of themselves, I think are great upkeep for relationship, but also can just be fun and exciting and reveal things that you wouldn't have otherwise known, because even if you've been living together, being together with someone for a year, there's still tons that you do not know about each other, it's just like...0:19:20.0 S2:Well, and I think part of the myth about the Old married couple is that they know everything about each other, the truth of the matter is even that old married couple who has the comfort and the familiar journey that they've made together, there are still things that they too, are discovering about themselves, about each other and about their relationship, but I think we miss that in that term, old married couple, and we don't realize that couple is still very much evolving,a very much a... The people are always changing. People, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely, yeah.0:20:02.9 S1:And probably what let them stay together so long is to always be interested in learning about those changes for each use

0:20:10.8 S2:Cool. Well, hopefully, listeners. Viewers have got something out of that.0:20:17.7 S1:Yeah, I like what you said, so I'm not too worried about them. I think... I think there are one... We have not... Something horrible. Yeah.0:20:24.7 S2:With the last couple of episodes, we've had some really heavy stuff, this next set, the segment is not light, so0:20:32.0 S1:It's its... When I shouldn't have set us up for joy when we are about to experience, not on, Okay, this is our... What would you do segment, and this is a segment where we read a problem that someone has and we sort of... You can give a advice, whatever, but I tend to think of this a little bit more as like what... What I do, if it were actually me as opposed to just giving advice, so I'm gonna read this for us... It0:20:59.4 S2:Looks like it's from Reddit. I think it's

0:21:00.8 S1:Remote. Good, thank you. I always forget to say where they're from already... From Reddit, I 32-year-old female, lost respect for my husband, 29-year-old male. I'm starting to realize that I don't have respect for my husband, he's constantly insecure about our relationship, he gets insecure that I don't want him around if I'm not jumping out of my shoes and excitement when he comes home, even though I did in a hug and tell and I missed him. He gets insecure about intimacy when we haven't had sex in a week, even though I've been on my period, he gets insecure if I give him affection because he thinks I do it out of obligation, I tell him I love him, I try to talkabout his insecurities and worked through them with him, I try to offer a podium to talk and understanding, but he can continue to feel insecurities. Now, I get pissed in our conversations and I say exactly how I feel frustrated and why I needed to meet me halfway, and I get a media response of, Well, I need to process that after the first conversation. Sure, that's fine. And please take the time to

0:22:07.7 S1:After the second, of course, I'll clarify and help you understand after the third, fourth, fifth, God knows how many conversations about the exact same thing in so many different ways, I'm at my wits end. I hate stereotypes, but I can't help but resort to feeling that he needs to freaking man up. I am not in charge of his feelings, I do not wish to constantly monitor my communication, so it's not to make him feel insecure, and I certainly do not wanna baby him through his feelings. I told him I need him to be direct with me, and what I got in return is I need to process yet days or weeks later, his insecurities inevitably pop up again, and we have the same conversation, and I point out that he's filling the same in security and he goes ahead with the deflection guys, I don't know what to do here. Has anyone had a similar experience? Yeah, Iwould like to say that Jerome writer does not advocate use of the phrase man...0:23:01.5 S2:Yeah, no, yeah, I'm a stop reading when I got to that the first mergers like, Oh, here we go, but..

0:23:08.1 S1:Yeah, yeah, but I actually... I mean, I think that it is a Toronto, but I do think it gives us some useful insight actually as like a pitch fork to start picking apart the question is that this letter writer to my eye, seems to think that... Knowing, understanding and be able to deal with your feelings is a kind of toughness, resiliency, man, man lines, woman lines, whatever. That's what it means. Being an adult, it seems that she thinks that someone who doesn't know how they feel and doesn't know how to deal with it is childlike, is clearly placing the two of them into this really problematic schema where if he doesn't understand feelings and doesn't know how to process them, he's like a child, and that has her in the role of the mother, and I think there... We probably, many of us agree that there is very little that's less sexy than the person you're dating, treating you like their parents, and so I think that it's not just about the insecurity, that seems to be actually a completely separate issue, he's insecure in their relationship. Yeah, he's clearly insecure that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with her, but then there's this other issue that I think is that she is this dynamic places us in a relationship that I don't wanna be having, which is like, I'm not your mom, I don't wanna take care of you, I don't want a baby.0:24:37.1 S1:You don't wanna be in charge of those things. So yeah. To me, those are two separate issues. What do you guys think

0:24:41.9 S2:Yeah, you know, it's interesting. My take, my heart, what I really heard is that some of her frustration is because she's struggling with managing whose life she's responsible for, and it feels as if she's taking a lot of responsibility to guide him, inform him, instruct him, correct him. And as you said, that is parental,it could be professorial, but it's not partner, like it is, so there is something to eat. They're not right, they're not equal, and I'm wondering, we could talk about his insecurities and what that's about, but that's his story, that's his work to do... It feels like her work is to realize that quite possibly she's spending too much of her time and energy trying to fix this or addressed or change him, and not using her energy to address or face that, which is her own story, like What did she learn? What are the models in her own life for letting someone figure some things out on their own, so I'm wondering, you know, if there's someone in her life that has been hyper-responsible, intrusive, critical, we learn these things so it doesn't make me mad or him, it's not about good or bad, it has to do with being awake, and I'm wondering what injuries and what storyline she's coming from, WHO parented her or didn't..

0:26:51.3 S2:Who affirmed her or criticized her, who inflated her value or deflated it, and I think if she can spend some time and energy being more curious about that than she is about fixing him, it might be interesting to see where... How the story and the relationship unfolds... Yeah, I'm pretty sure his insecurities don't start and end with his relationship with her... Right. I wouldn't be surprised if he has insecurities with work or with other relationships, and I think she feels like she's giving him all the tools to deal with it, and she's not equipped to do that, she's not meant to do that, but she feels like I'm giving you all the time to talk. I'm trying to be understanding like, why aren't you fixing this or Why aren't you better or whatever, and so that her frustration is definitely coming through the home, that's where I took the man up thing, I think that's where that's covering for... I hope that's where the command, the man and the criticism pics that somehow he's just not getting it like he's thick, hecan't figure it out, these stereotypes that are so damaging to him, damaging to her if she's bought into that

0:28:13.2 S2:And how is that playing itself out? In their relationship. So if she could take the word repentant people use in a religious way,but what repentance really means is it means to turn around to make it is to make a U-turn, and so often we have passed or our own exit on the highway, we've passed our own exit, and we're just going down the road trying to take care of somebody else's life, somebody else's story, somebody else is paying somebody else's insecurity, when life is really asking us to repent, to make a U-turn and come back to the south, come back to... Not to blame the self, but to be curious and realize that at times we distract ourselves from our own work because we are overly invested in someone else, and so I think it would invite this writer, I invite her to, of the letter, to be kind to herself, and to be curious about her own exit that she quite possibly has passed and that her life is really inviting her to turn around and come back and use that energy in her heart and her ability to even express herself, she's tired, but tired because possibly again, she's using her energy in places that are not hers to really feed, andif she were to feed herself and to become full of her own abundance, again, it's quite interesting what's possible in relationships when we can self-soothe in healthy ways, and when we can use curiosity instead of criticism.0:30:19.0 S2:So I think there's some work for her to do for herself, and after she's done some of that work to re-evaluate what is needed in the relationship with her, and it's like the airplane safety tip where they say, Put your mask on first, or you put the masculine person that Iam, so... Yeah.

0:30:41.7 S1:And it could be that at the end of that reflection, which I think is such a great point, that what she realizes is that he's an empty well, that she's... Her level never filled... And I think this is the thing with insecurity, is that I don't think that his insecurity has anything to do with her, I would bet that she's right, that she's showing him a reasonable amount of what to her is a reasonable... Of affection and care. And I think it would be great for her to ask, are there things that I could do or say that would make you feel... Affirmed, appreciated, loved. And maybe he can guide her to some that would work specifically well for him, but in the absence of that, there are some people you can't satisfy in their current configuration, and it could be that until then she's just pouring all that energy, all that love all that affection into a black hole that will never be filled up, and it could be that that is the time that she looks at the relationship and says, You know what, it's actually... I have only so much energy and love to give and I wanna give it to someone where it will be received, used, that might not be him, but I don't think that that's really about him not understanding or not...0:31:57.2 S1:Knowing what she's saying, Not processing properly, I think that's about him needing to do his own work and her do her own work and come back together and say, In the place where where we are now, do we meet each other? Or are we a mismatch...0:32:09.5 S2:Yeah, I mean the... Early on when she says things like, If I don't get really excited side when he comes home, she's a pet or something, they jump around like, Oh, your own... The level of reassurance that he needs is not the same as where... So I feel like they've had a conversation about what he needs, but not so much about what she needs... Yeah, and she may have used... I think that's a great point, that she may be using her energy again, focusing on what he needs, what he's not getting, and really, this is a game invitation to make the U-turn and come back to her own home in her home of what do I need? And what is the conversation that would be important for me... For her to be having... I think the other piece that you both have spoken about, which I think is soimportant, and I mentioned this earlier, we all come to relationships with a story, and sometimes we're really interested in someone else's story and what they bring, and we are much less fluent in our own stories. And so I also just would welcome or invite her to welcome..

0:33:35.9 S2:What is the story on... As you were saying that this is... So you said this to the insecurity, is very much not about her... What she's not doing. Yes, and I wonder what is it about being hooked in his story that is about her story, so who is it that she couldn't please... Does she have a mother, a father, a grandma, a grandpa, who is it in her life that she either watched kind of bang their own head against a wall that just was untraceable, and maybe equating that with love for... Equating that with commitment. And so this is important for her to understand what is it about this dynamic and this dance that is as much about her own narrative as it is about whatever history is in terms of the insecurity? And so I really do hope that she will get curious, become curious, and just ask these questions. I do this in my own life. I've been a psychologist for a long time, I've worked with thousands of families and couples and individuals over the years, and I have my own family, Ihave my own story, I have my own brokenness, and there are ways in which earlier in my life, I spent a lot of time wanting to both be seen by people who could not see me, be valued by people who could not found because of their own brokenness and stories

0:35:36.3 S2:But I used a lot of energy there, and I had a lot to learn. And so it's really important that all of us can look at, again, what story am I bringing? Where is my wounded-ness showing up and playing itself out, and how might I care for myself in this moment, so I want her to think again about self-care and what kind of car does she need right now from herself, not just from him, but from herself. Yeah. Yes. Well, thank you for being here today. My goodness, this was like... It's like a brother for a... Well, I love it. This is... Thank you guys for having me so much. And one of the things I didn't share at the beginning as I've got this new radio show, I was just scared to have the total dates going to... On serious XM channel 126, it'll be the Dr. Robin show, and it starts Sunday, September 19, it will be 110 am in the east and at different times all around the country, so I'm really excited, and really the show is about what we just talked about, me, it's about life. It's about our blind spots, it's about learning to be tender and practice self-compassion, to live in curiosity as well, and set of criticism, so that just to remind us in this moment that when we feel critical, it's an invitation to become curious

0:37:22.0 S2:So when I feel critical, which certainly happens, it's my invitation to become curious about what you stared me, What if this judgment about in me, what is this criticism? I have a prescription that was a big part of my own transformation and healing CEO knows I was in two really serious car accidents, one in 2010, and then another one in 2016, and they both were costly emotionally and physically, financially, my career. So this return to radio is a big deal. I had a show on Sirius XM on Oprah radio for three years, and now I'm coming back and really, very excited, but the prescription I use for my own transformation is wake up, show up, grow up, rise up. So we're going to, as I interview people, I answer questions, I take calls. I have some really exciting interviews coming up which will look... Some people are celebrities in the public eye, or other thought leaders, writers, authors, it will be a little bit of everyone, but I'll be taking them through this wake up, show up, grow up, rise up. What was the moment of awakening... What made me wake up? What is the moment of when to show up for active duty in our own lives, what is the moment of grow up...

0:39:07.6 S2:We talked here today on your show about maturity, we all have the fantasy about our minds being read by our partners or parents or buy our bosses or someone, and then we realize, Oh, I gotta open my mouth, I've gotta learn how to articulate what I want, or there is this wake-up, show up, grow up, that's the maturity piece, so that we can rise up and rise up to live the life that we want to live, that we are worthy to live, that we deserve to live, so that will be... Again, Serious XM, channel 126 starting September 19th. And my website is Dr. Robin Smith dot com, so you can find out about me and my offerings, and I have a new website rolling out... Yeah, I can't wait to see it. Oh, I can't say I can't wait to see all of it either, so... That's really exciting. So there's just a lot of good work and I'm doing some writing, starting to learn on a new book, that's exciting, and at some point I'll be following the two of you, and a podcast is coming as well, so... Cools, many good things. I'm Soliton

0:40:23.5 S1:We will be like, Well, link to everything in our show notes so everyone who's listening can find you all the places and check out your show, and you're on a new website and all the books and resources that you have there0:40:33.9 S2:At you out much for me today, I Aryeh, I appreciate and I just love that you women, you young women are out there in the world doing what you do, creating and writing and performing, and also creating a platform here where people can come safely and become curious about themselves through letters and asking, so thank you for allowing me to be part of this very... So thank0:41:11.8 S1:You for this week's recipe. I've got one that I just made when two lovely friends of mine were coming through town and had them over for a little cheese plate snack situation, during which time I dropped the best tasting of the cheeses on my own on foot, and it's flattered. Oh no, I... Oculus, don't worry, I scraped it all off, it didn't service them, but I did it later. That's your Rio can achieve... That can split like that. That means it was that perfect room temperature, it was a soft cheese, it was really at something like that that I offer on foot. Anyway, but one of the things that I made to go along with it, because I love a well-balanced the play in terms of sweet, savory, hard, soft, fresh cooked, and as I made some candy... Like a candy upminster are lots of ways you can do this. You can do it on the stove top, you can do it in the oven, whatever, you can use a little bit of water to make things stick, or you can use an egg white or whatever you want, a male, Sarah, it doesn't matter

0:42:23.2 S1:But it's so good, you can really make them as long as you have some kind of... Not in some kind of sugar, you can make them with whatever or you have around, which is why they're great last minute cheese played edition. So basically, my favoritekinds are a combination of cons, pistachios, something like that, We want fan... I think the TAs dusty, but you do you like a pound of mixed nuts, whatever kind you like, and then some brown sugar, and my favorite is the combination of brown sugar salt and can pepper, 'cause I love a little bit of a sweet savoury spicy situation. I alsolove to put used coffee grounds in there, if they're not too chunky and the coffee, it doesn't... It just sort of takes away, so you don't have the crunch of the grounds, but you get that nice coffee flavor. I human so good. You can add some honey or maple syrup, but if you want to be a little bit stickier, whatever you want, and basically just toss your nuts to combine through them in the oven until they're pretty... Tell the sugar is bubbly or do them in a pan hot to even tell the sugars bubbly and they're amazing, 'cause then they have their crunchy, their sweet, their Savory and their sand, so they go with every single component of a cheese plan and a delight sack that

0:43:49.2 S2:I love it, love it. Yeah, I used to be allergic to a lot of different nuts, never been us that, which is odd, 'cause I was like the one that eyeliner the last couple of years, I've been able to eat pecans, so I've been eating bacon like you wouldn't believe... During the panties, like two pound bags, Parkland bags a pick on, and I wrote them again, I tested them for about 10 minutes 'cause I like them to be... Just before they get burned

0:44:16.7 S1:To... It releases the oil, so you get that great quick of oil on your teeth when you... You like the copy? I do, I'm gonna make you at the Con desert other... And I can eat them.0:44:30.8 S2:That was my plan a long... Just to mention becomes, I knew0:44:33.9 S1:It perfectly, I walked directly at her to write into Burwell0:44:40.6 S2:This week's playlist is a little all over the place, I have to say. It was inspired more by the second... What would you do segment... So it has killing me softly, and in the original version with Robert E. Flag, but I've got Dolly Parton on there, I've got Chris Stapleton, Lady Gaga, choice of A and Bill Withers. It's really all over the place playlist, but that's pretty cool, and it's really nice to transition from summer into fall playlist, and what we're getting into... Palliser.0:45:11.5 S1:I cannot wait for fall.0:45:13.3 S2:I know you were the same... We were big, big Autumn people, both Halloween people like to go0:45:19.2 S1:To. That is making me realize that we need to start planning a Halloween episode, listener, if you have any ideas or any questions... Oh my God, wait, if you... I want, here's what I want. We may change her mind about this because they were out of your seat, how we love and freaks do as what I want... I want your most horrifying and spooky relationship stories...

0:45:43.5 S2:Can I write it?0:45:44.8 S1:Save. Got a great one for a one, we should each... Right, we should share it. Yeah, you can hit one and then have other people right in with their... This could be like it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, it could be someone who even know that well, but I'm talking so spooky messed up Halloween, not like the most awful typological damaging. You can write a Slater about those two, but this is how we Venetian, we should each read our teller one, then we should read some from people and answer.0:46:17.9 S2:That is a perfect idea. I love it. We have to do it, and he's not here to vote it down, so

0:46:22.9 S1:We're gonna do a... Sorry, we were... So what's your wreck this week... Okay, my refusal, speaking of Halloween, it was not planned, but it's very on-brand is... I'm always hesitant to recommend things in process, first of all, 'cause I don't usually watch TV while it's on, but I'm a huge American Horror Story fan, and I have been watching the new season as a podcast because Timmy has actualreal TV and I don't have to this grapefruit, two years later, like a TV pro, we've been watching it, so the new season is like an anthology, a0:47:02.8 S2:Good... Are they doing it a different car?0:47:06.1 S1:It's basically, it's built as a double feature, and in the poster design, there is a creature that seems to have teeth and a creature that seems rather alien-like are... I think we're four episodes in and we have gotten the creatures with teeth side of that double feature, so I'm imagining thatit's gonna be half and half, and that they will enter a brilliant, but it's in a pod in the winter, actually very near... Well, in the town where Tommy and I are going for Halloween, speaking of... And so we're watching the show being like, Oh my God, we're gonna go to Captain never returned. But here's what I have to say for anybody who has watched other series of American Horror Story, I think that that show and its creators are amazing and wonderful, and also bat shit and terrible, and I do so many things well and so many things badly, and it's just a delightful cornucopia of everything, but usually where they use me is that they create these wonderful characters and these amazing settings and great music, and then they fuck it up by bringing in like 20 garages worth of plot with the complicate everything and make it clearly on purpose facets

0:48:25.2 S1:So that you can never predict what's gonna happen. Except you still can... And that's my general critique is like they do all this great work and then they're like, No runner, so start donskoy. But so far, and I don't know if it's because it is storytelling maturity or the setting or whatever, but so far, this... Everything's on track, the characters are great, the concept is great, and they haven't messed it up yet, and I'm really hoping that maybe since it's like a half and half season, that it's two shorter, more in-control stories that will cross over instead of one that they end up, like spinning out. But I just, I will not spoil anything, but I will say that anyone who is interested in writing art, creative pursuit, there's something very special for you in this season that has to do with a rather fast and bargain about what would you do for the ultimate talent.0:49:24.5 S2:Okay. Yeah, I had the last season on my DVR and I just deleted it 'cause now it's available on streaming, so I haven't seen last season, I haven't seen this season, but I was like for the first three seasons, every 10 o'clock whenever it came when I was in front of the television, it was just... Yeah, I love that headset. It was still the most unique thing on television

0:49:47.2 S1:For the first like... And when that first season came out as I'm a hard fan, but I think that mostly of until American her story being a horror fan, that movies and there were just not that many shows that there was dark shadows or these things that were sort of hard adjacent I remember when that first season came on, being like... Wait, a harder TV show. That's amazing. And Iwatched it all at once, my friend Tracy was visiting me and we both... We stayed up all night to watch the whole first season of The Murder House season, and it was too much 'cause it was like 12 hours or nine hours, whatever it was, a party, and the bodyjust can't take it. So after about six hours we started feeling like a dream, almost, Carine, but yeah, I think that it has revolutionized the way we tell horror stories in a way that is super fascinating, and I just finished watching all of the... Okay, so it's American hard story, but they did the spin-off American Heart stories plural, that is the anthology show that are the one off. I thought it was pretty bad

0:50:54.0 S1:I mean, better than most of the shock hard stuff that's out there. But not, certainly not. Great, well, it seems like a lot of half-baked ideas that never made it into American Horror stories, these kind of like fun off for one episode things, and I was getting a little concerned about the most recent season, and then we watched the first episode, and I was just like, No. Fuck that has everything I love. Okay.0:51:17.9 S2:Alright, do you know that... Have you been watching creep show at all? The new creep show.0:51:22.6 S1:No, it wasn't good.0:51:23.8 S2:I haven't seen it yet, I was curious, but we're getting into the season, so I'm gonna be watching all the things, but... Yes, I will definitely check out0:51:30.2 S1:Ottawa been off podcast, that is a horror podcast, you might... Okay, cool. I realized part too. So really, we could just turn this ordovician movie... Yeah, wemy

0:51:43.4 S2:Ely rack is also a TV show, and I'm not... It's funny 'cause I'm not a huge Comics person, but I like the films and the TV shows that come out of... It's like, I love the umbrella Academy. I've never read the graphic novel, and I like the Marvel movies, don't remember, but the DC stuff, I used to watch the arrow Storch arrow when it first started, and I used to watch flash, and then they get two seasons in and then... I lose interest. Idon't know whether it's the characterization or just... I don't know what it is, but both shows, I was like, I really don't know about them, and then I lost interest, so I stumbled upon another DC property and it's on HBO Max, I think it was... It may have been on a different network for the first two seasons, but now it's on HBO max, so we just started watching the first season, I think we're about five episodes in, but it's called doom patrol, and it's like these reject superheroes, I guess. They are all... It's interesting because first of all, Brendan Frazer is a star of it, and yes, that was like I'm sold, but also met boomers in it.0:52:53.9 S1:I love him

0:52:55.0 S2:And this is my first show with him, I've never seen him in anything else. I know. So the thing that's really wild about is the characters, there's four main characters, they all came into their power of via tragedy, they were all not great people in their lives, and then this thing happens to them and transforms them into monsters with power, and it's really interesting, the way they're playing around with identity and being a good person versus a hero and stuff like that, it's really, really cool, but Cyborg is in it, some of the cyber is the only superhero that I got a new from theadjusted league stuff. But it's got a lot of potential. Something going to recommend it. I think the third season start soon, but I'm still in the first season, so I haven't gone through the second, but I'm gonna recommend it because I think it has a lot of potential, and I brahim gonna support anything that he's in 'cause he's amazing. He gets to play a jerk, which he doesn't do... Yeah, he was always... You know, he was the guy. So it's interesting to see him in this role, but...0:53:59.0 S2:Yeah.0:53:59.2 S1:So check it out doing patrol band. I love this because Matt Boomer, although you haven't seen it yet, is in America on American Horror Story seasons is an American stories

episodes. And so this is like a perfect little...0:54:16.2 S2:I thinkhe was in the last season that I sort of halfway watched the one with Lady Gaga, wasn't he in that season to see... Yes, yeah, I think so, yes. So I never finished that season, life, so I have to go back and finish that season, but yeah, so I have sort ofseen something to use, but this is my first time going, Oh my God, that's my homework.0:54:36.7 S1:Were we talking on this show about my love of the show white collar, or was I just thinking about that in my own... Had tiny... Well, white collar is thefirst show that I ever saw that borer in, and he plays like an art forger and criminal who gets a ticket out of jail by consulting with the FBI on white collar crimes, so his things for good. Yeah, highly recommend that you watch white collar... Okay, notonly as a deaf, but I just feel like you in particular will appreciate the dynamic between him and his FBI handler.0:55:20.3 S2:Okay, well, welcome to the mat Omer podcast. Out this, right? Anyway, it's a really fun episode, even though we didn't have every here with us0:55:31.3 S1:Now, Noelle. Back with us next time. Yes, but then you all so much for hanging out.0:55:37.7 S2:Yeah, thank you. Look for us on everywhere that she was in a podcast, check it on YouTube, leave comments, write us letters, we still wanna hear from you, 'cause we wanna ask you reiterates and have cars. Yes, yes.

0:55:50.2 S1:But until next time, we'll see you. Thank you so much for subscribing to Dear romance writer. Remember to keep sending in those letters in dermatitis dot com, you can't wait to tell you what to do. Your romance writer is part of the frolic Podcast Network. Find more podcasts you love framed podcast.